Let’s Talk About Chronic Pain and Sex
/By Ann Marie Gaudon, PNN Columnist
Do you remember that catchy song from the early 90’s by the hip hop group Salt-N-Pepa called “Let’s Talk About Sex”? I sure do and I still think it’s fun!
For many people, sexual activity and intimacy are incredibly important factors of living well, being happy, and feeling close to one another. But when chronic pain enters a life, those factors may take a big hit. People don’t talk enough – or at all – about living in pain and sexual intimacy.
Let’s talk now baby!
In my many years of being with people in pain, I’ve seen sex become a taboo subject. It can be denied not only to another, but to oneself as well. It gets complicated when the person in pain worries about their physical performance or if they can even engage in sexual activity without increasing their pain.
This most certainly affects self-esteem and confidence in the bedroom. Then we have a situation where everybody stops talking -- when they should be doing just that.
Why does sex matter if you have chronic pain?
It matters and can have a significant impact on your quality of life. Something amazing happens when you are the recipient of wanted sexual touching and intimacy. Your body will release endorphins, which are the body's natural pain reducers. You will feel better and happier, not to mention all those other good feelings you may experience.
The name endorphin comes from “endogenous morphine,” which means they come from inside the body and mimic the effects of morphine. For that reason alone, I tell my clients to have more sex if possible. And if they are single, to get busy masturbating. An orgasm is an orgasm, and your body doesn’t care how it gets there. Just get there.
In 2017 a functional MRI study was conducted measuring brain activity in women during orgasm. “Brain activity gradually increased leading up to orgasm, peaked at orgasm, and then decreased,” researchers found. This activation included many regions of the brain, including those that process rewarding experiences such as food and sex.
Another study from 2013 shows that orgasm may have the ability to decrease or alleviate headache pain. Want better sleep? Have regular orgasms. Yet another study in 2015 showed the mediating effect of sexual activity on pain and depression for those suffering from low back pain.
How are you going to have sex if you have back pain?
I found out that the clinical community was in contact regularly with Canadian Dr. Stuart McGill, Chief Scientific Officer for Backfitpro and a distinguished professor emeritus at Waterloo University. McGill is asked repeatedly by clinicians about couples who are celibate because of back pain. Are there any guidelines on sexual technique that can reduce the risk of more pain?
The challenge was on! Professor McGill and graduate student N. Sidorkewicz conducted the only study in the world that took real couples and measured their spine postures and muscle activity while engaged in various sexual positions. This was no small feat, considering the challenges of recruitment, instrumentation and developing an experimental protocol that satisfied the ethics research committee and requests from the medical community.
The study measured muscle activity and 3D spine and body movements, using the very same technology that was used in the making of Avatar. The object was to create an atlas of sexual positions that did not trigger back pain.
Professor McGill has a short version of a sexual atlas in his book "Back Mechanic," which includes spine-sparing positions that enable sex for people with back problems. The book guides the reader through a self-assessment of their pain triggers. Then, based on the specific trigger, positions and movements are shown to consider and to avoid.
I am super impressed with this work and I only wish that we had guidelines for virtually every source of pain.
Are there other pain conditions that defy sexual activity?
You bet there are! One that comes to mind is pelvic floor dysfunction or PFD. I have known many people with this diagnosis. We all have a pelvic floor, whether you were born with a penis or vagina, and so no one is immune to PFD.
One female patient with this diagnosis -- more specifically “hypertonic pelvic floor muscles” -- told me that just a light touch and/or engorgement from arousal can be enough to create excruciating muscle spasms.
“Spasms beget spasms,” she said. “It is very, very painful and truly sad that we avoid intimacy. I have a Pavlovian response developed over many years of severe pain and flares that lasted for days.”
The forceful, rhythmic contractions that occur for anyone having an orgasm can set off a cascade of painful symptoms. Here are links two simple videos to explain male and female pelvic pain.
PFD is currently treated by specialized physical therapists and yes – there are success stories, thankfully.
How do I get busy?
As a person with any type of pain, you may need to get creative. You may need to adjust positions for yourself or your partner, as well as the time, day and even the environment. If you require minimum body movement, consider self-stimulation while lying beside your partner. Sex toys and lubricants also work wonders, whether you have a partner or are alone.
If being spontaneous is not in the plan, consider making intimate dates either with a partner or yourself. Above all, keep the communication open with your partner. It’s crucial that you understand each other and have realistic expectations without judgment.
If you’re wondering if you can share intimacy without the orgasm, the answer is yes! Orgasm is only one aspect of sexual intimacy, and you can connect and feel great in plenty of other ways.
There comes a time in many couple relationships when sexual intercourse isn’t an option, due to physical, emotional or mental health. When this occurs, there are many alternatives to consider. Make a list for yourself, considering your unique needs, which will support and care for your pained body no matter what stage in life you are in.
Ann Marie Gaudon is a registered social worker and psychotherapist in the Waterloo region of Ontario, Canada with a specialty in chronic pain management. She has been a chronic pain patient for over 30 years and works part-time as her health allows. For more information about Ann Marie's counseling services, visit her website.
