A Grumpy Old Lady in Pain

By Rochelle Odell, PNN Contributor

As I lay once again, in pain, waiting for my small dose of pain meds to kick in, I stare at the dark ceiling, asking, begging God to please help me. There is nothing but silence around me except for the low volume of my TV.

I find my patience, what little I had, is now gone. I find myself writing a post on Facebook that perhaps did not have to be as blunt as it was or as challenging -- as even I recognized it to be. 

Am I judging others in this battle? Has my nearly 28-year battle with CRPS and it's incessant, never ending pain turned me into someone I am not thrilled about? Am I judging good people, in pain like me, too harshly at times?

I find some online comments are made with little thought or logic by others. I know and tell people there is only one person or deity that can judge anyone and that's the man upstairs, God. And in all honesty, I don't have the right to criticize anyone for what they say or do, except for liberals. Okay, cardinal rule, don't bring politics into our battle for pain relief. I am sorry.

Why do those who obviously haven't read an article or post refuse to admit that their response makes no sense? I spend a lot of time reading articles, but many don't and I feel if you can't find the time to read, don't comment. There are times I may read a post that really galls me and I respond critically, then I think of those I may have upset.

Why did I do or say what I did? I guess because like all in pain, I am tired. Tired of hurting, tired of fighting to get pain management back to where it should be for all. Especially tired of the few wannabes who think it's cool to be part of the pain community -- a community we would all give anything not to be a part of.

The very few I do challenge proudly boast of the ever-growing list of ailments that they wear as a badge of honor. They proudly state no doctor will agree or diagnose them with any of the pain diseases that they have self-diagnosed. You know the type. They have gone down the list of symptoms, convinced they surely must have it.

For shame. They honestly believe they have been wronged. Those people bother me, because there are many who suffer unrelenting pain from diseases physicians have actually diagnosed. I have been diagnosed with several and I want no part of them. I do try to stick with the CRPS only. It was the first and worst of what ails me.

ROCHELLE ODELL

Adding more or reading off what I call our laundry list of ailments won't change my low dose of opioid pain medication. My pain management PA is very sweet and compassionate, but we all know that high doses of opioids are nothing but a memory. A memory of when we used to function. I want my life back without pain and without needing medication. We all want our lives back... period!

I have my life friends who I’ve known since childhood, and new friends I’ve met in the pain community. Like my family, they mean the world to me. Each person brings something I may need or I bring something to them that they need. Pain brought us together. And if it weren't for pain, our paths would never have crossed.

My life has spanned seven decades, sometimes flying by and other times dragging by ever so slowly. The adventures I had, the experiences, I wouldn't trade for anything. I am thankful to have experienced what I did. Too many pain patients don't, especially younger ones. All they know is pain. They can only dream of traveling the world like I did. Those of us who had a life before pain were able to experience places, people and things. The memories are bittersweet.

I suppose at 73 that I am old, very opinionated and faced with the reality God can come knocking on my door anytime. Although for some reason the age of 93 is set in my mind when he will take me. Can't imagine living in this pain for twenty more years.

I have learned in this pain journey that I don't have to win every argument. I don't have to win every point. That if I ignore an annoying Facebook post and simply log off, I don't develop a killer stress headache trying to prove I was right. Being right all the time makes for a probably obnoxious person. I don't want to be that way, I really don't, but it is my reality, my life, me.

When thinking of love, I have loved and have been in love. Do I want to be married again? Odds are no. Like most, I don't want to live my golden years alone but I have become so set in my ways, set in my routine, set in how I choose to live any day my way. If I want to wear my jammies all day and not comb my hair, I can. If another person was around, I would have expectations placed on me I may not want.

But I also get so tired of battling pain with no real source of help I can depend on. I have only me to depend on. I am not the only one alone and we do hurt the most.

If my pain is severe and I want to cry, I can, with no explanations. Although if I do cry my little sidekick Maggie, an 8-year-old dachshund, gets right next to my face crying with me. Don't have any humans that sit next to me and cry with me, although I know of some sweet pain friends who would if I asked. Little Maggie has been so vocal. I look at her and ask do I really sound that bad, that pathetic? Yes!

I don't want to come across as judgmental or too critical. I don't want to be the mean old lady in the neighborhood. But you know what? Living in pain, alone for close to 28 years, well, if the shoe fits...

If my comments come across as mean, try to remember pain has changed us all. I see that in the pain community. 'A' can't stand 'B' and 'B' is thoroughly disgusted with 'C.' Meanwhile, 'D' shakes their head asking why? Why do we say and act in ways that may not be nice?

Guess I will set the timer on my TV, pray to God one more time to please take my pain away, and close my eyes hoping sleep comes, if even for a couple of hours. And pray those around me understand why this grumpy old woman says what she does.

Rochelle Odell lives in California.

PNN invites other readers to share their stories with us. Send them to editor@painnewsnetwork.org.