A Weird Trick to Get Doctors to Listen to You
/By Crystal Lindell, PNN Columnist
There’s a lot of advice out there on how to get a doctor to take you seriously. Most of it is wrong.
Lucky for you, I’ve been in pain for a decade! Through trial and lots of errors, I’ve learned a few things and I’m happy to share them with you.
First though, a little background on why you might need this information. It’s basically a rite of passage for chronically ill patients to lose their faith in doctors. We go in expecting Dr. Gregory House – the brilliant and grumpy lead character on the TV show House -- to solve the puzzle of our illness. Instead, we’re more likely to be met by a doctor with all of House’s hostility, but none of his determination.
Doctors are notorious for downplaying symptoms, ignoring concerns, and blaming everything on the patient’s weight/smoking habit/stress/drug-seeking behavior.
They also tend to have a violent aversion to patients who suggest their own diagnoses. Their delicate doctor egos override any rational reaction and, more often than not, patients with chronic illness leave their appointments with no answers.
I used to think this only happened to women, but after attending multiple appointments with men in my family, I have come to realize that it’s just an across-the-board thing. My theory is that many of them became doctors so they can be seen as the smartest person in the room. And they hate it when patients treat them as equals, instead of the superior beings they believe themselves to be.
The problem is, a lot of patients tend to be really good at figuring out what’s wrong with their own bodies. They’re highly motivated to find answers, and they have more access to medical research tools then ever before in human history. Doctors love to mock Dr. Google, but that’s kind of like mocking libraries. Finding information online doesn’t automatically make it less valuable than finding it in a book.
Which brings us to the problem: Once we, as patients, figure out what might be wrong, how do we bring it up to our doctor without offending them?
In short, it’s all about framing. You need to suggest that someone else is making you ask them about whatever it is you want to bring up. Let me share an example:
Do NOT say: “I think I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.”
Instead, say: “My best friend wanted me to ask you about something. I don’t even think it’s a thing, but she thinks I might have something called EDS. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, I think? I don’t know. It’s probably rare. But have you heard of it? Do you think I might have it?”
Here’s another example:
Do NOT say: “I think I have ADHD.”
Instead, say: “So my wife said I had to ask you about something. I don’t know if she’s right, but if I don’t bring it up with you, she’ll be really mad at me. She thinks I might have something called attention deficit disorder. And she said you might be able to help.”
Yes, I know, it’s annoying and demeaning. And you’re right, patients shouldn’t have to navigate medical conversations like this. They shouldn’t need to fake ignorance to get a doctor to help them.
But this column isn’t about overturning medical power structures. It’s about getting immediate results in what are often life-threatening situations. And I can assure you, this method works. I speak from experience. It is literally how I got my EDS diagnosis after dealing with chronic pain for years. I have shared this tip with others who have also used it successfully.
It works on every type of doctor, too. This is what you say to them:
To ER doctors: “My husband made me come here to get this chest pain checked out.”
To primary care physicians: “My roommate said I had to ask you about having my thyroid levels checked.”
To pain specialists: “My brother thinks I have rheumatoid arthritis and he wanted me to ask you about it.”
To psychiatrists: “My aunt said I should ask you about anxiety medications.”
This will not only help in getting them to take your symptoms seriously, it will also work on convincing them to order specific tests, offer specific medications, and consider a specific diagnosis.
This approach shifts the focus onto a third party, which helps doctors lower their defenses. If they think medical suggestions from patients are inane, you’re just feigning agreement with them. It effectively puts you on the same side as the doctor — the two of you against your loved one. Which is fine, because your loved one isn’t relying on them for medical care, so they can take the heat. And when the doctor feels like they’re on your side, they’re more likely to want to help.
This approach also means that the doctor knows you are likely to tell a third party what transpired during the appointment, which means they’ll be held to a higher level of accountability. That alone will often have a big impact on how they treat you.
Yes, it is wrong that patients have to use passive aggressive techniques just to get an MRI. But, as my mom always says, it’s better to be wrong than to be dead right. Sure you could insist on being more direct with your doctor, but if that doesn’t work — and the doctor dismisses your symptoms when they should be treating them — the choice could literally leave you dead. You’d be right, but you’d be dead right.
Hopefully, one day, patients won’t have to navigate their doctor’s fragile egos to get the care that they need. Until that day though, this will help. So go forth and be well. And if you can’t be well, at least be well prepared.
Crystal Lindell is a freelance writer who lives in Illinois. After five years of unexplained rib pain, Crystal was finally diagnosed with hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. She and her fiancé have 3 cats: Princess Dee, Basil, and Goose. She enjoys the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Taylor Swift Easter eggs, and playing the daily word game Semantle.
