By Barby Ingle, PNN Columnist  

Living with chronic illness can put a strain on any relationship, particularly marriages. To help other couples, my husband Ken and I have I decided to share our learned wisdom on how to rekindle romance in a chronically ill partnership.   

My first suggestion is to keep track in your pain diary so that you can remember the details. Record at what point during sexual intimacy that pain occurred or increased, and what the circumstances were when your pain subsided. Putting your thoughts on paper can help you understand the underlying issues and complications, and regain control of your intimacy.

Although Ken and I did not use a therapist, there are techniques that a therapist will suggest that can help a chronically ill person normalize their symptoms, which boosts self-esteem and lowers feelings of isolation. Improved self-esteem can enhance virtually every aspect of your life, including strengthening your relationships.

A life change due to health problems can be a common trigger for lowering how you perceive yourself. The challenge is to identify that this is going on and create an intimate connection with your partner at the same time.  

Take a look at what you are doing. Are you alienating yourself or your partner? If so, why? Think about your behaviors and beliefs. Are they holding you back from intimacy?

Consciously thinking positive thoughts can boost self-esteem, but it takes practice. How you approach it can make all of the difference. Start with simple words and reminders to yourself. Then reconnecting with your partner will become easier. 

Rekindling romance could be as simple as a few words, a gesture, or a look or touch that will let the other person know you are okay. Be conscious of this each day, so that not a day goes by without a kind word or gesture, even if you are not having sex daily. And really, who does that when they’re in constant pain?

Try this the next time you are washing your hands at the bathroom sink: Write “I love you” on the mirror with a soapy finger or lipstick. This can help create an intimate moment.  

Be the one to take control if your partner is afraid that they will hurt you further because of your current pain level. Be sure to reach out and let them know you would like to have a sexual experience. Say, “Do you want to have sex right now?” or whatever cute, sexy or clever way feels natural to you.  Lead the experience to relieve their worry.

Spouses often have different sexual desires. Turning your desire totally off just because of pain can cause harm to your relationship. Your partner probably married you expecting a healthy sexual relationship. Holding back on intimacy can lead to the end of a marriage or even infidelity.

The last thing a chronic pain patient needs is more discomfort. But when intimacy increases pain and leads to avoiding sex or even cuddling, the relationship suffers. Don’t let this be the beginning of a vicious cycle of no sex.  

What can you do to increase the connection, romance and sex that you have with your partner? When you are talking, try to share your struggles about staying close. You can also share positive thoughts, such as sex helping you cope with chronic pain. 

I hope that these tips can help you rekindle any lost sparks with your partner. All those things you don’t say could be keeping you and your partner on different pages. Turn on the power of romance and make your relationship stronger.

Believe me, I understand how difficult it can be to push yourself to be romantic when all you want to do is sleep or cry from the pain. Having a close relationship physically with your partner can make a huge difference in many areas of your life.

Barby Ingle lives with reflex sympathetic dystrophy (RSD), migralepsy and endometriosis. Barby is a chronic pain educator, patient advocate, and president of the International Pain Foundation. She is also a motivational speaker and best-selling author on pain topics. More information about Barby can be found at her website.